A Bad Economy can Crumble a Marriage
by Tim Schnabel
I never wanted to become a mortician, but in some ways I have become one.
I knew as a young man I would carve a career in a helping profession – teacher, therapist, coach or consultant. Today, I am a licensed marriage and family therapist. Mine is most often a joyful profession because it is one of healing, reconnection and new possibilities.
However, as a part of my profession, I have unwittingly become a mortician. Some of the couples I see have unknowingly hired me to help them dismantle their painful and often unfulfilling marriages. Sadly, I become witness to a death of a relationship.
The economic downturn is making it even worse. Scarcity of money always exacerbates existing stress in relationships. Losing a home to foreclosure or filing for bankruptcy can be a death knell to any troubled marriage. When affixing blame and rebuke replace defining and solving the problem, what lies ahead is sorrow.
Painfully, these folks show up in my office with their relationship already showing signs of advanced rigor mortis. As I am pro-marriage, I would like to see them make it as a couple, especially when there are children. However, when the death signs are evident, it is my job to create a safe place where, after repairing what they can, they come to the their own realizations and decisions. It is a profoundly touching moment when one or both express to the other, "I don't want to hurt you, but I don't want to do this anymore." There is relief in letting go. Often one partner or both will follow with, "I wish we had come here years ago."
When this occurs what I can do, as I am not anti-divorce, is help them dismantle their marriage with dignity and, where there are children, foster the creation of an emerging bi-nuclear family with a minimum of suffering. There are two types of divorces: one with pain and hurt; the other with pain and hurt cloaked in hostility. If a couple can begin closure on their marriage without resorting to blame, making the other wrong and therefore punishing, then in a somewhat bittersweet manner, my mother was partly right – I make a good mortician.
Tim Schnabel is a licensed marriage and family therapist in Monroe, Ga. [full bio]
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